Last weekend, I logged onto one of those online dating services, just to see what I'm missing out on.  My track record with men hasn't been so hot the last 10 years or so, as my daughter helpfully points out from time to time.  I thought maybe I could learn something.

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      The first thing I learned is there's a reason I don't use an online dating service.  For starters, it's called money.  They want me to fork over a hefty bundle of my loose change for the chance to get the next winner in my life picked out for me according to his sparkling personality.  Being the good sport that I am, I didn't log off immediately.  The word "free" popped up right next to the offer to assess my personality.  That caught my attention faster than a bare-chested buff guy trying to do eight seconds on ol' Trigger, if you know what I mean.

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     The questions seemed odd to me.  I expected to answer things like 'do I play an instrument' and 'what is my favorite color'.  But I guess it was a personality quiz, designed to assess my, uh, personality.  Do I dug in, answering each question "honestly and accurately for me" (as directed).

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     How does each of the following words describe you?

     1.  Fun-loving  (Of course I am.  I like fun as much as the next  middle-aged divorcee.)

     2.  Modest  (Is this a trick question?  How do you answer that without making yourself a liar?)

     3.  Easy-going  (I fudged a little on this question and chose "very much" as my response.  I think there's room for interpretation here.)

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     By this time, I have forgotten that this way of thinking is what got me into several bad liaisons in the first place.

     The next question seemed a total set-up:

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     How would you rate yourself physically?

     1.  Average

     2.  Fit and trim

     3.  Sexy and voluptuous

     4.  Total lardass

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Of course I am sexy and voluptuous!  What woman doesn't see herself that way?  But then  I looked in the mirror and decided that if we ever meet, the lucky man might have something to say about that.  Reluctantly, I chose 'average' as my response.  I may not be 'fit and trim', but 'lardass' I am definitely not.   Slight jello mold, maybe, but not totally disgustingly fat.  And anyway, since no photos were involved yet, I thought I might still have time to invest in liposuction before actually meeting my fantasy date face to face.

 

     Finally, the quiz wanted to know what my faith

background is and if I'll accept someone from a different

background than my own.  Hey, I'll accept a trained

monkey if he'll pull out my chair for me and cook

dinner once in awhile.

 

     It took me over an hour to complete the quiz, but it was

worth it.  I found out that I am needy, high-maintenance,

and controlling.  And those are my better qualities.

I enjoy animals (what does that have to do with dating?)

and I definitely need a man to complete my otherwise

drab existence.

 

     Regretfully, however, I declined the offer to 'sign up now

to begin my new life of dating the best men on the planet'.

I figure there's plenty of time for me to strike out at bat

again.

 

And anyway, there's always that buff guy on ol' Trigger waiting in the wings.